
This message is being brought to you by the Political Correctness Czar, Melvin Snard:

Good evening, America. I am here tonight to speak to you about one of the greatest threats posing American life today: the possibility of being offended. As we all know from our Political Correctness training we have been receiving at school and in the workplace, there is no greater American sin than offending another person. Certainly, this is a much greater offense than mediocrity or failure.
Currently, the Supreme Court is reviewing this egregious offense located in the Mojave Desert:

I apologize if this image has caused you any discomfort. I know it is difficult for me to gaze upon, so I sympathize with your emotional response. This disgusting and improper image has been standing since 1934, and should soon be dismantled. Until the final ruling, it now appears like this:

Whew, that’s much better. Anywho, I figured that since this image has caused so many tens of people grief, I should investigate other infiltrations of possibly uncomfortable images in the American lexicon. I was horrified, after learning to read, that many of the letters in our current alphabet invoke feelings that might be icky to some. Therefore, by the power vested in me by no measure of Congress, I hereby announce the official alteration of the American alphabet. Please note the elimination of the following letters:
A: Due to the turmoil associated with the concept of anarchy, the letter “A” will no longer be used (also see the former letter “O”).
B: Turned on its side, this letter resembles the female cleavage, which can be construed as sexist and is therefore banned.
C: Due to the resemblance to the Crescent Moon, a symbol of Islam, the letter “C” will no longer be used.
G: Due to the resemblance to the Hammer and Sickle symbol of the former Soviet Union, the letter “G” will no longer be used.
K: Three of these and you have horrid racism. Therefore, the letter “K” will no longer be used.
N: Due to the nature of trauma inflicted by the N-word, the letter “N” is racist and will no longer be used.
O: Since the symbol for anarchy consists of both the former letter “A” and the letter “O”, neither will be used heretofore.
Q: Who cares about “Q” anyway? There are so few words that use it, so we’re just going to chuck it while we’re cleaning house.
T: Due to the resemblance to the Christian crucifix, the letter “T” will no longer be used.
V: Due to President Obama’s dislike of the term “victory”, we have no choice but to quarantine (hey, the former “Q”!) the letter “V” from here on in.
W: Lying bastard of a letter, claiming to be “double U” when it’s really a double “V”, which has been removed. Double victory pains the President, doncha know? (If that doesn’t work for you, “W” for win. If that doesn’t work for you – uh, hello, former President with a middle name beginning with this letter. Etc, etc, etc.)
X: Hello – crucifix hiding in a 45 degree angle. Gone.
Y: Let’s face it, this letter just can’t decide if it is a vowel or not. We can’t have this sort of ambivalence to existence in our new world.
Z: The racist “N” on its side. No more of that hatred in our alphabet.
Additionally, the letters “E”, “F”, “H”, and “L” will remain on a probationary period. As they all have the potential to resemble the crucifix in their line crossings, they will be evaluated on a regular basis.
Being the sensitive and caring non-gendered person that I am, I have done my very best to identify all of the images that could offend anyone for any reason. However, I am willing to take suggestions if any letters I have missed offend you. Please send any suggestions for future letter-bans to
flag@whitehouse.gov.
Thank you, and may Al Gore bless us all.