Intolerance: A Party Platform

It is with much pride that I announce the formation of a new political party. Today, the Intolerance Party is formed. I am certain that, once read and considered, this platform will be accepted by all Americans as the way forward.

1. Politicians And Taxes

Any politician who endorses tax increases better be damn sure their taxes are paid in full to date. Those politicians who endorse such policy and/or write such policy who are found not to adhere to the letter of the law will not be tolerated.

2. Bacon

All food product shall either be bacon or offered with a side or topping of bacon. Absence of bacon will not be tolerated and met with the full force of the law.

3. Presidents And Taxes

Any President who derides “the rich” by endorsing the soaking of those with taxation better be damn sure his or her White House is squeaky-clean with their tax payments. Presidents who endorse “tax the rich” policy while having tax-evading staff will not be tolerated.

4. Botox

Never again will we tolerate anyone in power to be rightly dubbed “Stretchy McHugeGavel”. Seriously, this shit will not be tolerated anymore.

5. Czars

What country is this again? Since when is it acceptable for an unelected, unconfirmed douche nozzle to be given a job which pays far more than 95% of the taxpayers footing the bill? Furthermore, if we do not object when this sort of position is called a “Czar”, at what point do we cease toleration? On principle, I and my “comrades” object and refuse to tolerate this.

6. Racism And Race-Baiting

a. All racism is to be called out for what it is. That means calling out racism against white people too. All racists are to be duly ridiculed for the idiots they are, dressed up in pink tutus and paraded in front of the Intolerance Memorial Walk Of Shame before they are banished to obscurity and banned from further media contact.

b. False claims of racism and race-baiting activity should be met with the full force of intolerance. No soup for you.

7. Meat Purses

Quoth the wife: “She’s been stretched and stitched so many times, she’s a purse”. Past the age of 60? Appearing in public like this? 170 lashes with wet bacon, and we will not bloody tolerate you anymore.

8. The U.N.

We’re done, assholes.

9. Dictators

What’s done is done. From now on, we use Godfather Rules: “I want to congratulate you on your new business and I’m sure you'll do very well and good luck to you. Especially since your interests don’t conflict with mine.”

The Corleone Family does not tolerate your insolence and neither will we. Mess with us or our business and Michael will shoot you in the face and take your country. No exceptions.

10. Bacon

Yes, it’s that important.

11. Media

Anyone bitching about conservative voices in media will be immediately deported. You have every news outlet including the one paid for by taxpayers and you complain about one cable channel? You’re out.

12. Hollywood

Enough already! Will you guys PLEASE go back to making movies? Even though we disagree with your inane ideologies, clouded world views, and have nothing in common with you and your $15M per movie incomes, we still like to watch your ENTERTAINMENT. Stop with the political posturing and dance, you overpaid monkeys. Except for you, Michael Moore – for the love of all that is Holy, please don’t dance. We can neither tolerate nor stomach it.

13. Term Limits

Illustrations are not necessary. We know who they are. All elected positions limited to two terms - total. Two terms in the House means no terms in the Senate. Two terms in the Senate means no terms in the White House. Our Founders had no tolerance for the political dynasties and neither shall we.

14. Immigration

Borders exist for a reason. Us on one side, Them on the other (note: it works the same for Them too). Build an enormous wall on those borders, electrify it, cover it with razor wire, guard it with intolerant men and women armed with automatic rifles, and paint the word, “INTOLERANT” in red, white and blue letters over and over again across the length of it. Want to immigrate? Follow the damn rules. Here illegally? The back of the line begins WAY THE HELL OVER THERE. Broke the law there? We’ll review it. Broke the law here? Bye!

15. Doctors

Any doctor that spends less than 5 minutes with you, treats you like dirt, has no idea of your medical history after you spent 2 hours filling out their stupid forms, or suggests running the same damn tests you waited 2 weeks to do 4 weeks ago is legally subject to three kicks to the groin. Additionally, every minute we are made to wait past our appointment time is $100 subtracted from our out-of-pocket expenses. We can all agree that this would be true reform.

16. Political Dollars

How many ridiculous piles of dollars are collected and spent in the name of electing a politician? How utterly stupid is this? We tolerate this no more. Therefore, every dollar donated to an elected official must be paid back twofold to the taxpayers out of that politician’s own finances. Every dollar donated to the losing candidate must be paid back to the taxpayers out of that loser’s own finances. Want to fix the deficit and debt? This can help.

17. Boot To The Head

Anyone demanding tolerance for those trying to kill us gets a boot to the head. And one more for Jenny and The Wimp.

18. National Defense

Simultaneously cutting the budget for defense of the nation while brokering the largest arms deal in history to the very nation which cultivated Osama bin-Laden… Should this even have to be spelled out? W H I S K E Y T A N G O F O X T R O T ? Zero tolerance for this. We don’t care if it is ignorance, stupidity, or outright evil. This aggression will not stand, man.

19. The Tolerant

“There’s only two things I hate in this world. People who are intolerant of other people’s cultures and the Dutch.”

Tolerance is always selective. Intolerance is absolute.

20. You

Get up off your ass. Register to vote if you haven’t already. Vote in EVERY election. Voter apathy sickens us. It will not be tolerated. It is this lethargy which has allowed spendhungry asshats to decimate this nation’s economy and threatens our very freedoms which our Founders fought so hard to bestow us. Anyone who chooses to sit on the sidelines has the right to do so, but we The Intolerant have the right to piss on your shoes for doing so.

Thank you for your time and attention to our Intolerance Party Platform. In 2012, please vote or write in your Intolerance candidates: The Bad and Angry McDougal.